You know me, by now. I liked to keep everything standard. My MSN screen name, like much of my life is kept simple and straightforward. When at home, I am ‘Teg’. During office hours, while I am at work, my screen name is ‘Andrew’. This may seen bland and boring, as now you can change more than just your screen name. You can add a 500 character (with the right software patch) personal message. Most people make use of this personalised facility (unlike me) and I tend to only see the personal messages, thanks to MSN Plus! which allows me to rename my entire contact list, thanks to Custom Names. (You can read more over on my work blog.) However, the fact I use the function does not mean the whole purpose of individual names is lost on me. They have, this week at least become an inspiration. During the course of my work day yesterday, I note contacts coming online. Then, at times, I want to do a quick check up on who is online and see if there is anyone I can sneak a quick chat with. Terry, was online, as he is most afternoons, but his status was set to busy, so I decided it best not to disturb him and ask about the Champions League, that night. I will assume, with a well educated guess that you do not know Terry, so let me give a quick background. People tend to do two things with their MSN screen name. Use it as an outlet for the latest news with them (or their chosen subject, hobby or sport) as well as display lyrics to reflect the way they are feeling at that given moment of time. Even my colleague, Chris is at it. Counting down to the kick off to next years World Cup. (Only 250 odd days to go!) Yesterday afternoon, I read the lyrics and it took me some time to actually register the name of the song. Then, when the song finally sank into my head, I couldn’t get the soft sweet vocal out of my system. I had to listen to the song. While over half the way home, I gave in and switched my CD to the MP3 CD which I had listened to on Friday evening (see below). As I expected, the song was not on this album, so I had to do without and settle for something else. (Actually, to settle my paranoia, I looked into the content of the Greatest CD and discovered the following, the big 3-0.

Getting home, I busied myself with the important tasks at hand, dinner, getting a comfortable seat on the sofa and checking my e-mail. (Yes, in that order to!) Sacrificing Eastenders for some quality European football. Around 11pm, feeling sleepy, I retired to my bed, listening to Radio Five, but still knowing deep down inside there was a restless young man inside. I put up with it for a while, trying to drift off, while Anita and guests discussed the Conservative leadership race, while at the Labour Party Conference in Brighton. Yet, I was playing little attention to any of that. Then it suddenly hit me again, the song was back in my head. I had to listen to it, I had to feed this hunger. Thinking about it for several minutes, I finally summoned up the energy to get out of my warm bed and hunt around my room to make this magical moment, happen. Getting the disc two from the album, was easy, while I tried to recall the last time I had listen to the songs. Must be over two years, if not more. Little time to ponder on that, I scrambled under the desk to plug in my cordless headphones. I wanted to listen to the song quite loud, and the headphones would help produce a much better atmosphere. With everything plugged in, I was literally wired for sound. So I rushed back into bed, and warmed myself up again. The moment I had waited all day for had finally come. Using the remote, I switched to track 9, it had gone past 12am, the singer was right after a short ten second music intro, “Another day had gone …I’m still all alone…”

After listening to You Are Not Alone, by Michael Jackson from disc two from the 1995 HIStory album, I switched to Mini Disc. This was my copy of the Invincible CD and I went straight to Speechless, which is track eight. It was an ideal way to continue the soft quiet moment, in the still of the night. For a while I drifted with the lyrics of the songs and the soft soothing vocals. Very difficult to describe how I felt, perhaps not myself. Perhaps for a few minutes, someone else, outside of my own body and mind. Then, as the music fades and Michael speaks the closing lines, I lie in bed, starring at the dark ceiling above me. I was back in reality, back home. How I longed to be somewhere else. Finally I had listened to the song that had been brought back to my attention by my new friend on MSN. The moral of the story is simple, never underestimate the power of MSN Messenger. The song has given me a chance to look back at myself and the journey of the past nine months. Where have I been and where am I going? The honest truth is I do not know. The most difficult feeling to bear is the feeling of, at times being the only one in the world, with no one else out there to understand.

With such a public presence online, anyone can find me online if they want to. The dark side of this argument is that people whom you thought you had left behind many many years ago, can suddenly reappear at the drop of a hat. This is not ideal, particularly if you have friends and family you no longer associate with and have no plans to reconcile those broken relationships. While I tend to take the stance that the door is always open, it can quite easily be slammed shut, whenever I see fit. Perhaps people need to realise that this blog is for me in the first instance (yes, I am selfish and damn proud of it!) and not an invitation for them to think I want them to get in touch. Then again, some other people tend to just have that attractive personality which brings such visitors to their site.